COUNT Bezukhov now, LMAO, right? Who’d have imagined THAT? Look, I was hanging with Pierre back when he was just good old P. Bezzy, none of this COUNT shit, alright? But then again this Count shit couldn’t have happened to a better dude! When you think of the old Count, the man who boned the empress, handing down his title to this guy? Petey B. has less game than the third string. This guy’s just like “Napoleon this” and “Bonaparte that” and you watch the chicks just start laughing awkwardly. But what they don’t know is that this man is a LEGEND.
So, like, you’ve only heard one of the bear stories. There's another one. This one time we got another bear and Dolokhov is all like “hey he looks like Pierre,” right? So P. Bezzy, he takes off his hat and puts it on the animal, and we’re all like “DUDE, he looks JUST like you!” So next thing you know the dude’s stripped off his coat and waistcoat and we’re all dressing the bear! Not gonna lie to you guys, the pants were kind of a challenge, and I’m not gonna tell you there were no injuries, but all pretty minor. So anyways now there’s this bear and we’ve got him suited up down to the fuckin CRAVAT and we’re all like, “oh hey Bro, man you’ve gotten hairy.” And we’re all invited to Anna Pavlovna’s that night but here’s Pierre just chillin in his shirtsleeves and no one wants to undress the bear, so the dude just looks the animal straight in the eye, and—straight face—is like, “Pierre, shouldn’t you be getting to the party?” and we’re all like “HELL YEAH!!!” So we all jump in the carriage and the bear’s still dressed as Pierre and the driver just has this look on his face like “Holy shit that’s a bear,” and we just smile back like "yeah dude it's a bear," and we roll into Anna Pavlovna’s with me and Fedya on either side of the bear and the first person we see is Anna Mikhailovna so we’re like “Oh hey, Princess Drubetskaya, you know Pierre?” and man the look on that chick’s face! The real Pierre was hiding by the door the whole time and he just LOST it!
Oh, speaking of Anna Mikhailovna, that’s another one! So this one time we’re just having a real chill night, right, nothing crazy, just me and the boys and a couple of bottles, and the conversation comes around to the usual crowd and we’re kinda laughing at how good old Annushka’s always trying to pull strings for Boris, right? So Pierre’s like, “oh my god, I’ve got an idea, gimme her number,” and we all start messing with him like “oh, Pierre, didn’t know you were so into MILFs,” and he’s like, “No, guys, just listen.” So he calls her up on speaker and he puts on this super fancy voice and he’s like, “Is this the home of Boris Drubetskoy?” cause we all knew Boris wasn’t there cause we'd just seen him, right? So we’re all trying to keep ourselves from laughing and we have no idea what he's gonna say next. So when she says Boris isn’t home he’s all, “Have I the honor then of speaking with his mother the Princess?” and he goes on and says his name is Alexei Alexievich or something and he’s calling on behalf of the Emperor to offer Boris a promotion. So her voice goes up like three octaves and—and at this point Fedya’s got his hand over my mouth to keep me from laughing, right?—and she’s all, “Tell me, TELL ME! What is this honor?” And Pierre looks at the rest of us like, “wait for it, bros,” and he tells her: “His majesty the emperor would like to offer your son the position of Raclure de Bidet” and deadass HANGS UP! Ah man, what a guy.
Not even Dolokhov is as crazy as this guy, you know? He thinks he is, though, I know! Always hanging out of windows and trying to get people to bet him fifty imperials he won’t down a bottle of rum right there with his ass half off the windowsill like he’s about to fall to his death, right? It’s only foreigners who ever take him up on that, by the way, cause everyone in Petersburg knows he’ll fuckin do it. So this one time, we’re chilling at the old count’s palace, and good old Fedya D. sees a new window and a new face and is about to pull his usual stunt, he’s got some English guy about to put real money on him doing what we all know damn well he’d do for free. So anyways he’s hanging out the window now all “Look, ma! No hands!” making this big show of waving his arms around and finally he throws back the rum and then out of fuckin NOWHERE comes Pierre just as he’s got his eyes closed and the bottle raised and he just fuckin PUSHES him! And so Dolokhov, he drops the rum and starts flapping his arms like he thinks he’s got wings and we all see him just FALL like it’s in slow motion and we’re all like “what the fuck, dude, you killed Dolokhov!” And Pierre’s just like, “No I didn’t, there’s a balcony there” and then we all just ROARED. Fedya comes back up trying to be cool acting like he def wasn’t scared for his life but also like he had no idea that balcony was there—I think he actually didn’t man, he’d had a few. But really he was just pissed he was out fifty imperials.
Oh man, I could go on and on, but all this food’s not gonna eat itself, right? So anyways, all of this to say, I’m not losing a sister, I’m gaining a true BRO, as real as they come, so now let’s raise our glasses to the bride and groom, shall we gentlemen?
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