Friday, January 15, 2021

How to Live a Count Fosco Lifestyle in the New Year

 

I’m back, following an extended social media break. I read A LOT while I was away. Among the many tomes I’ve enjoyed in the last several months was one of my old favorites, The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins. Rereading this pure joy of a Victorian thriller, I was reminded that one Count Isidor Ottavio Baldassare Fosco is quite possibly the best villain in all of literature. I know what you’re thinking, reader: short of conspiring to cheat a beautiful and vulnerable heiress out of her fortune and joining an international network of aristocratic spies, how can I be more like Count Izzy Ottavio BADASS Fosco? Well, you’ve come to the right place:


  1. Add a second middle name, if you don’t have one already. Sounds aristocratic. I recommend “Baldassare,” regardless of your gender. Be sure to use all names when you introduce yourself, but you can go by just one thereafter, like Cher or Dante.

  2. Choose an unusual pet and get a few dozen of them. You’re a person of mystery now, so you can’t have the human entourage you deserve. What you can do, however, is find yourself a group of friends who will never talk. Mice work well, but if you don’t pull it off just so they might give you a kind of Cinderella vibe, which is not what you’re going for, so you might also consider exotic birds and/or a few small monkeys. 


  3. Whenever a musical instrument is at hand, offer to explain and demonstrate to your companions the superiority of your favorite composers. Actually, don’t offer, just do it. Then ask them if they agree, but make it rhetorical. Of course they agree. You’re Count Badass. 

  4. Learn to play the concertina. An accordion will do, too, but do choose one of the two and master it because this is very important. No other instrument has quite the same quality of vague and pleasant surprise. Recognizable yet eccentric, exotic yet familiar. Play opera on it. 


  5. Learn to sing and do it completely unapologetically in borderline inappropriate situations. I don’t mean that you should burst into song whenever you want, like a character from a musical or something. I do mean that your crush’s morning walk should be punctuated by your performance of Figaro.  

  6. Eat dessert first. And second, actually. Hell, make a meal of it. You’re Count Isidor Ottavio Baldassare Fosco. Who’s going to tell you no?

  7. Dress extremely well, but loudly. Invest in some quality formalwear, but not your standard rental variety. You’re going to need a collection of waistcoats in the finest fabrics and in colors that scream “this look works against all reason.”

  8. Impress your crush with your gentle and generous heart by telling them about all the times you could have murdered someone but didn’t. Bonus points if love of them stayed your hand. Expect credit for this! Not every villain/spy/all-around BAMF has a tender weakness to do them such credit. 


  9. Become very mysterious about your reasons for leaving your hometown. You don’t want to come out and say you were exiled, but a longing sigh here or there would not be misplaced. If you haven’t left your hometown, I’m sorry but you’re going to need to pretend that you have. A subtle accent might help. 

  10. Be both discreet and totally conspicuous. Look, you’re going to have to have your secrets, and if you don’t, you’re going to have to pretend like you do. But at the same time, never under any circumstances should you blend into a crowd. If your booming tenor doesn’t give you away, it might be your purple velvet cravat or the cockatoo on your shoulder. Stand out!

  11. Find a solid sign-off for emails and other communications. Receive these fervid lines. They are worthy of the occasion and of
    FOSCO

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