Announcing the 2021 March Madness Book Bracket

 "Real" March Madness may be actually happening this year, but we all know which tournament I'll be following. Here's how this is going to work:

The tournament will begin on March 4. Two matches will take place each day until the final on April 4, the day before the NCAA final. 

All matches will take place on the Talking Lit with Aunt Mary facebook page. Two books will be presented, and you may cast your vote using the reaction buttons: "like" reaction for one choice, "love" reaction for the other. Voting will be open for 24 hours after the post goes up, and then a winner will be declared. I personally will vote only to break ties, but do not claim neutrality. 

The books for the tournament bracket are chosen based on: 1) how well they fit into snarkily-named "divisions," and 2) the need for most of them to be books with some name recognition. (Also, yes, there is an obvious bias towards books that I have personally read. Deal with it.) In no way do I consider this some kind of definitive list of Good Literature. There are books in the tournament that I love and some that I love to hate. There are books I love that do not appear but perhaps did last year, and books I love that have never been in the tournament at all. So if you're wondering why your fav isn't in here, don't take it personally. Trust me, my love for George Eliot (to name but one example) transcends my snarky bracket tournament. 

I am upholding the tradition of retiring previous years' winners to keep it interesting. For those of you keeping track, the following books have been crowned champion in the past and thus will probably not appear in future tournaments:
2017: Pride and Prejudice
2018: Frankenstein
2019: 1984
2020: Les Misérables (Damn, the title really fit the year, didn't it?)

So, without further ado, I present to you the 2021 March Madness Book Bracket. See the google doc for printing or enlarging. Grab a cup of coffee and start filling out your bracket. Let the fun begin. 

Gothic Novel Plot Point or Real-Life Scandal of the Clergy and Nobility of Wild Centuries Past?

 I take a guilty pleasure in fiction that ups the ante in terms of sheer outrageousness. 

Like, a nefarious Italian count with a secret? 

It’s a good start. 

With a weird entourage of animals? 

Even better. 

Who is a spy for a secret society against another secret society? 

Go on. 

Who challenges the hero to a duel for uncovering this secret? 

NOW you’re talking.*

*I just described Count Fosco of The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins, on whom I wrote a previous post.

No genre better satisfies this desire for the outlandish than the early Gothic, with its haunted castles, duels, and vengeful counts, baronesses, and nuns. But truth is often stranger than fiction, and, well, rich and/or powerful people are and always have been WEIRD. Can you guess whether these far-fetched deeds were cooked up by Ann Radcliffe and her ilk or whether they were real, historical scandals, perpetrated by the eccentric ruling classes of ages past? Decide whether each is fact or fiction, then look at the answers below to see how you did. 

1. A young Spanish monk reveals to his superior that he is a) actually a woman in disguise, and b) in love with him. Both end up before the Inquisition.

2. During a religious procession, the crowd attacks a prioress, seeking justice for a young nun whom she is said to have murdered following the discovery that the sister was pregnant by a handsome Marquis. 

3. A princess accuses the nuns of a certain convent of myriad sexual transgressions, heresy, AND trying to poison her.

4. A vengeful pope orders his predecessor dug up from his grave and puts the corpse on trial. 

5. A young Italian noblewoman’s brother murders both her lover and her husband. 

6. A child of mysterious parentage is born to a prominent Italian family. A father and a son both claim paternity, but rumors fly that both are covering for their daughter/sister and her lover, said to be the child’s real parents. 

7. An Italian Marchesa conspires with a priest to abduct the young woman beloved by her son in order to prevent an inconvenient marriage.

8. After the sudden death of her fiancé, a young Sicilian bride finds herself unwillingly engaged to her former betrothed’s father, who fears the end of his line.

9. A German woman discovers that her husband, a French aristocrat, is a secret member of a band of outlaws, and must flee across France lest she become his next victim.

10. A professor challenges the author of a satirical novel to a duel to defend the honor of the dead author being satirized.

ANSWERS: See how you did.

1. FICTION

The Monk, by Matthew Gregory Lewis. And the identity/love reveal is just the second chapter! Highly recommended as a “so bad it’s good” kind of read. 

2. FICTION
   This is actually from the same book. It’s just that crazy. 

3. FACT
   It’s actually kind of wild.

4. FACT
   Lol yes this happened.

5. FACT
   Well, most likely. Details unclear.

6. FACT
   The Borgias again.

7. FICTION
   The Italian, by the mother of the Gothic herself, Ann Radcliffe

8. FICTION
   The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole. And let me just say this is the least weird part of this plot. 

9. FICTION

The Grey Woman, a novella by the usually not-so-Gothic Elizabeth Gaskell

10. FACT
    I can’t give you an internet citation for this one because I found the challenge in the state archives of Milan, so you’ll have to take my word for it. (Ok, I might have a picture buried in my research materials but I'm not gonna look for it.) The author challenged was Guido da Verona; the satirized, dead author was Alessandro Manzoni. The duel may or may not have been a joke, but da Verona did cause a much bigger stir than he probably expected with the book. 

Shit I've Gotten into with My Bro Pierre Bezukhov, by Anatole Kuragin

Wait wait wait...have I TOLD you the bear story yet? So we get this bear, right? And the vodka was really flowing that night, and then there’s this cop... Oh, have I told you guys this one already? Yeah! We tied the bear to the cop and threw them in the river! Yeah, sorry, I guess I must have told you that one. You know it was my buddy Pierre who did the honors, though, right? Everyone assumes it was Dolokhov’s idea, but let me tell ya, wild as Fedya is, he’s got nothing on Pierre. That guy is an absolute ANIMAL at parties. So I guess everyone knows the bear story since we all had to lie kinda low for awhile after that, but boy, is there more I could tell you about my man Bezukhov. 

COUNT Bezukhov now, LMAO, right? Who’d have imagined THAT? Look, I was hanging with Pierre back when he was just good old P. Bezzy, none of this COUNT shit, alright? But then again this Count shit couldn’t have happened to a better dude! When you think of the old Count, the man who boned the empress, handing down his title to this guy? Petey B. has less game than the third string. This guy’s just like “Napoleon this” and “Bonaparte that” and you watch the chicks just start laughing awkwardly. But what they don’t know is that this man is a LEGEND.

So, like, you’ve only heard one of the bear stories. There's another one. This one time we got another bear and Dolokhov is all like “hey he looks like Pierre,” right? So P. Bezzy, he takes off his hat and puts it on the animal, and we’re all like “DUDE, he looks JUST like you!” So next thing you know the dude’s stripped off his coat and waistcoat and we’re all dressing the bear! Not gonna lie to you guys, the pants were kind of a challenge, and I’m not gonna tell you there were no injuries, but all pretty minor. So anyways now there’s this bear and we’ve got him suited up down to the fuckin CRAVAT and we’re all like, “oh hey Bro, man you’ve gotten hairy.” And we’re all invited to Anna Pavlovna’s that night but here’s Pierre just chillin in his shirtsleeves and no one wants to undress the bear, so the dude just looks the animal straight in the eye, and—straight face—is like, “Pierre, shouldn’t you be getting to the party?” and we’re all like “HELL YEAH!!!” So we all jump in the carriage and the bear’s still dressed as Pierre and the driver just has this look on his face like “Holy shit that’s a bear,” and we just smile back like "yeah dude it's a bear," and we roll into Anna Pavlovna’s with me and Fedya on either side of the bear and the first person we see is Anna Mikhailovna so we’re like “Oh hey, Princess Drubetskaya, you know Pierre?” and man the look on that chick’s face! The real Pierre was hiding by the door the whole time and he just LOST it! 

Oh, speaking of Anna Mikhailovna, that’s another one! So this one time we’re just having a real chill night, right, nothing crazy, just me and the boys and a couple of bottles, and the conversation comes around to the usual crowd and we’re kinda laughing at how good old Annushka’s always trying to pull strings for Boris, right? So Pierre’s like, “oh my god, I’ve got an idea, gimme her number,” and we all start messing with him like “oh, Pierre, didn’t know you were so into MILFs,” and he’s like, “No, guys, just listen.” So he calls her up on speaker and he puts on this super fancy voice and he’s like, “Is this the home of Boris Drubetskoy?” cause we all knew Boris wasn’t there cause we'd just seen him, right? So we’re all trying to keep ourselves from laughing and we have no idea what he's gonna say next. So when she says Boris isn’t home he’s all, “Have I the honor then of speaking with his mother the Princess?” and he goes on and says his name is Alexei Alexievich or something and he’s calling on behalf of the Emperor to offer Boris a promotion. So her voice goes up like three octaves and—and at this point Fedya’s got his hand over my mouth to keep me from laughing, right?—and she’s all, “Tell me, TELL ME! What is this honor?” And Pierre looks at the rest of us like, “wait for it, bros,” and he tells her: “His majesty the emperor would like to offer your son the position of Raclure de Bidet” and deadass HANGS UP! Ah man, what a guy. 

Not even Dolokhov is as crazy as this guy, you know? He thinks he is, though, I know! Always hanging out of windows and trying to get people to bet him fifty imperials he won’t down a bottle of rum right there with his ass half off the windowsill like he’s about to fall to his death, right? It’s only foreigners who ever take him up on that, by the way, cause everyone in Petersburg knows he’ll fuckin do it. So this one time, we’re chilling at the old count’s palace, and good old Fedya D. sees a new window and a new face and is about to pull his usual stunt, he’s got some English guy about to put real money on him doing what we all know damn well he’d do for free. So anyways he’s hanging out the window now all “Look, ma! No hands!” making this big show of waving his arms around and finally he throws back the rum and then out of fuckin NOWHERE comes Pierre just as he’s got his eyes closed and the bottle raised and he just fuckin PUSHES him! And so Dolokhov, he drops the rum and starts flapping his arms like he thinks he’s got wings and we all see him just FALL like it’s in slow motion and we’re all like “what the fuck, dude, you killed Dolokhov!” And Pierre’s just like, “No I didn’t, there’s a balcony there” and then we all just ROARED. Fedya comes back up trying to be cool acting like he def wasn’t scared for his life but also like he had no idea that balcony was there—I think he actually didn’t man, he’d had a few. But really he was just pissed he was out fifty imperials. 

Oh man, I could go on and on, but all this food’s not gonna eat itself, right? So anyways, all of this to say, I’m not losing a sister, I’m gaining a true BRO, as real as they come, so now let’s raise our glasses to the bride and groom, shall we gentlemen?

A special thanks to Alison G. for help with ideas on this one. The reader will note that 1.5 of the anecdotes above are based on events that Tolstoy actually included in War and Peace. The rest are born of the union between imagination and early Pierre's frat boy vibes.

How to Live a Count Fosco Lifestyle in the New Year

 

I’m back, following an extended social media break. I read A LOT while I was away. Among the many tomes I’ve enjoyed in the last several months was one of my old favorites, The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins. Rereading this pure joy of a Victorian thriller, I was reminded that one Count Isidor Ottavio Baldassare Fosco is quite possibly the best villain in all of literature. I know what you’re thinking, reader: short of conspiring to cheat a beautiful and vulnerable heiress out of her fortune and joining an international network of aristocratic spies, how can I be more like Count Izzy Ottavio BADASS Fosco? Well, you’ve come to the right place:

1. Add a second middle name, if you don’t have one already. Sounds aristocratic. I recommend “Baldassare,” regardless of your gender. Be sure to use all names when you introduce yourself, but you can go by just one thereafter, like Cher or Dante.

2. Choose an unusual pet and get a few dozen of them. You’re a person of mystery now, so you can’t have the human entourage you deserve. What you can do, however, is find yourself a group of friends who will never talk. Mice work well, but if you don’t pull it off just so they might give you a kind of Cinderella vibe, which is not what you’re going for, so you might also consider exotic birds and/or a few small monkeys. 

   
   
   

3. Whenever a musical instrument is at hand, offer to explain and demonstrate to your companions the superiority of your favorite composers. Actually, don’t offer, just do it. Then ask them if they agree, but make it rhetorical. Of course they agree. You’re Count Badass. 

4. Learn to play the concertina. An accordion will do, too, but do choose one of the two and master it because this is very important. No other instrument has quite the same quality of vague and pleasant surprise. Recognizable yet eccentric, exotic yet familiar. Play opera on it. 

   
   
   

5. Learn to sing and do it completely unapologetically in borderline inappropriate situations. I don’t mean that you should burst into song whenever you want, like a character from a musical or something. I do mean that your crush’s morning walk should be punctuated by your performance of Figaro.  

6. Eat dessert first. And second, actually. Hell, make a meal of it. You’re Count Isidor Ottavio Baldassare Fosco. Who’s going to tell you no?

7. Dress extremely well, but loudly. Invest in some quality formalwear, but not your standard rental variety. You’re going to need a collection of waistcoats in the finest fabrics and in colors that scream “this look works against all reason.”

8. Impress your crush with your gentle and generous heart by telling them about all the times you could have murdered someone but didn’t. Bonus points if love of them stayed your hand. Expect credit for this! Not every villain/spy/all-around BAMF has a tender weakness to do them such credit. 

   
   
   

9. Become very mysterious about your reasons for leaving your hometown. You don’t want to come out and say you were exiled, but a longing sigh here or there would not be misplaced. If you haven’t left your hometown, I’m sorry but you’re going to need to pretend that you have. A subtle accent might help. 

10. Be both discreet and totally conspicuous. Look, you’re going to have to have your secrets, and if you don’t, you’re going to have to pretend like you do. But at the same time, never under any circumstances should you blend into a crowd. If your booming tenor doesn’t give you away, it might be your purple velvet cravat or the cockatoo on your shoulder. Stand out!

11. Find a solid sign-off for emails and other communications. Receive these fervid lines. They are worthy of the occasion and of
    FOSCO