It feels like it’s time for an Elena Ferrante post, as we await the English language release of her new book. (I'm one of the assholes who has already read it. If you’re looking for the tl;dr review: It’s good, and fans of the Neapolitan Novels will enjoy it, but the series is better.) So let's have some fun with this: the men of Ferrante. We love them, we hate them, we probably mostly love to hate them. If you're a straight woman, you feel like you've met most of them and dated half of them. (Don't lie; you've def dated a Nino.) But as 2020 slowly encroaches on your sanity, I have the answer to the question you've never asked: which of them ARE you?
Let's get started, shall we?
1. So. How’s quarantine with your family going?
A. Fine, I mostly just focus on my work.
B. They can be a lot sometimes, but I love them.
C. Eh, at least I have places to go when I get sick of them.
D. Like, the legal one or the secret one?
2. Would you break quarantine for a lover?
A. No, I’m far too busy for that.
B. There’s only one person I’d break quarantine for, and they’re right here with me. <3
C. Lol yes
D. For the right one, I’d break a lot more than quarantine.
3. Have you been masking up and following all social distancing guidelines?
A. Yes, of course.
B. Anything to protect those I love.
C. Yes, mostly, except for when I need to, like, smile winningly at someone.
D. Rules don’t apply to me.
4. Have you been to a protest?
A. No, but I donated and wrote an article in support of the cause.
B. A few with my partner.
C. Haven’t you seen my protest selfies?
D. Nah I don’t care about anyone lol
5. So, this year’s been rough. How are you holding up?
A. Why, is something going on?
B. Just trying to be supportive to the people I care about
C. It’s not my best year, but I tend to land on my feet.
D. Why, what have you heard? You ask a lot of questions.
6. How are you passing the time at home?
A. In my office, mostly.
B. Spending quality time with my partner and learning a new skill.
C. Sex. Also instagram.
D. Hatching devious plans.
7. Are you homeschooling your kids? How’s that going? (Or how would it be going if you had them?)
A. My partner is taking care of it, I think.
B. Yes, and providing fun coloring pages to help them learn fractions.
C. Which ones? Idk, they’ll figure it out. I’m busy.
D. Lol no.
8. Pick a mask.
A.
B.
C.
D. Idc, I’m gonna be one of those assholes who complains about it and takes it off.
RESULTS
Mostly As: Pietro Airota
You’re hardworking and serious. But all work and no play makes Pietro kind of rough to quarantine with, tbh. Live a little. Watch a movie with your wife or something.
Mostly Bs: Enzo Scanno
The quarantine buddy everyone dreams of: loving, supportive, and with, like, a sexy curl that falls seductively just above your intense and smoldering eyes.
Mostly Cs: Nino Sarratore
Quarantine is cramping your style; you only have like half as many lovers as usual. You’re dealing with this loss by posting lots of selfies and pseudo-intellectual content on social media for your adoring fans. You count the likes.
Mostly Ds: Michele Solara
*shakes head* I don't know what to tell you.
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