So you took my last quiz and enjoyed a 19th century classic. Now you’re still in the mood for something with four digits in its page numbers (or close), but you would like something more modern. Never fear, reader dear. I have just the thing.
Alas, because the books from last time were in the public domain and this week’s are not, I cannot offer you links to free texts. But don’t forget to check your library’s electronic resources, and if you want to buy a copy, bookfinder.com will not let you down.
1. Do you want an escape?
A. I mean, I’d like to go back to the Before Times. That’s all the escape I need.
B. Absolutely. The weirder the better.
C. I’d rather like to escape into the 1% for a while.
D. I don’t mind if the novel takes place in some version of hell, as long as it’s not the plague-ridden one we inhabit at the moment.
E. Nah.
2. Do you miss sports?
A. Yes, I want to play tennis.
B. I miss the gym.
C. I miss drugs, does that count?
D. Nah.
E. Isn’t survival its own kind of sport?
3. How tolerant are you of footnotes?
A. I live for footnotes. And endnotes. And endnotes with footnotes.
B. I wish there were audio footnotes. Love googling pieces of music referenced in a book.
C. I’m erudite enough not to need them.
D. I usually footnote my own copy just to keep track of everything.
E. Pass.
4. How do you want to sound talking about this book at a party when this is all over?
A. Like the hipster barista meme.
B. Like Luna Lovegood.
C. Like you're teaching a class.
D. Like this guy.
E. Like a grizzled veteran of the apocalypse who has Seen Some Shit.
5. And how do you picture this party where you’re talking about this book?
A. We all wear flannel, drink craft beer, listen to indie rock, and talk about our feelings.
B. We listen to classical music and discuss Proust. But also, like, MMA or something.
C. The Met gala.
D. An intimate but cosmopolitan gathering of just a few enthusiasts of the work of the obscure and enigmatic German novelist Benno von Archimboldi.
E. A rag-tag group of survivors huddled around a campfire among the ruins of civilization.
6. Murder in fiction:
A. Is played out as a plot point. But so are plot points in general. So.
B. Is best committed by a highly trained super assassin with a past and secrets.
C. I’d prefer an art heist.
D. I’m cool with grisly, serial-killer-type shit.
E. Look, I thought my last few answers already made it clear that I’m good with mass death of all kinds in fiction.
7. Have you ever considered founding your own religion?
A. No, but I’d rather like to found a society that plays a complex game of geopolitical strategy with sports equipment, so that’s close, right?
B. No, but 10/10 would watch a miniseries on a cult with secrets.
C. No, culture is my religion.
D. No, but I like a bit of blasphemy in my books.
E. Yes.
8. How many plots can you handle at once?
A. ALL. THE. PLOTS.
B. Like two or three.
C. One, but with significant deviations and maaaaybe 300 pages in Vegas for reasons that won’t be immediately clear.
D. Several, but let them all twist and turn around the same series of deadly crimes.
E. One main plot, please, but make it a doozy.
9. Describe your relationship with the past.
A. I like making up words and names with robust etymologies, does that count?
B. What if we went back in time but added an alternate dimension with magical little people and an extra moon?
C. Sometimes I like to meditate upon the legacies we leave and their meanings for those who come after us. Isn’t it amazing to consider that we can today look upon something that allows us to enter the minds and experiences of those lost to history? And is anything ever really lost, and…
D. You know who’s part of the past? One hundred and twelve murder victims in Santa Teresa.
E. The past is dead. We can never go back.
10. When you finish this book, you’d like to:
A. Istagram it. Make sure everyone knows you read it.
B. Be transported by some classical music.
C. Take a virtual tour of an art museum.
D. Have a strong drink--you’ll need it.
E. Check to see whether you’ve just read the Complete and Uncut Edition, and if not, google the other ending.
RESULTS
If you chose…
Mostly As: Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace)
You are ready to join the ranks of Those Who Have Read Infinite Jest and Will Not Let You Forget It! So grab your favorite craft brew or pour-over coffee and find a good spot on the couch, cause you’ll be there awhile. I hope you were serious about liking footnotes.
Mostly Bs: 1Q84 (Haruki Murakami)
I’m slowly realizing it takes a certain kind of reader to love Murakami, and you and I are both that kind. He’s got his own type of magical realism that will look at you with a straight face and be like “What is the connection between the tiny mystical beings with their mysterious craft and the human cult leader?” Enjoy.
Mostly Cs: The Goldfinch (Donna Tartt)
Ah, yes. Donna Tartt’s masterpiece a decade in the making. Two seemingly contradictory things are true about this book: 1) It is absolutely brilliant; 2) It’s probably only as long as it is because editors were afraid to touch it. The novel is an 800-page reflection on the meaning and role of art that also beautifully explores themes of friendship, familial love, and loss.
Mostly Ds: 2666 (Roberto Bolaño)
Glad you’re down for this cause, I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to be a wild ride. I suppose on the most basic level this novel is about a string of brutal and sadistic murders, but nothing about it follows any of the usual crime novel formulae. It’s a sprawling labyrinth of a book, and if you can keep up you’re in for a treat (albeit a pretty grim one).
Mostly Es: The Stand (Stephen King)
Apparently sales of this book have been booming, so you must not be the only one who, in the midst of a global pandemic, thinks “You know what would really hit the spot right now? A book about a global pandemic.” (Who am I to talk, though? I just read La Peste.) Some consider this King’s best work, and while it builds terror in a way that has become his trademark, it’s also fundamentally different from his more traditional horror novels; there’s something of the epic to it. So if you are in the mood for the sense of slowly building dread you got from Jack Torrance’s descent into madness or Annie Wilkes’s snowballing sadism but this time with enough steam to cover first the annihilation of most of the world’s population and THEN to careen into a post-apocalyptic death cult, you’ve found your next read.
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